


Ciel Phantomhive, Life Without Death

by mollis_mauris



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: (ciel), Aged-Up Character(s), Anal Sex, Angst, Biting, Blood, Blow Jobs, Date-1938, Demon Ciel, Demon Powers, Depressed Ciel, Eventual Sex, Fingering, First Times, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Lonely Ciel, M/M, Riding, Rimming, Road Trip, Sad, Sight-seeing, Suicide Attempt, Tantrum, TrashBastian, United States -setting, dunno what else, i suck, plenty of kinks, scenery, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 11:11:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4623150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mollis_mauris/pseuds/mollis_mauris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's all over now. He has won eternal life, his demon butler by his side. But it's not that easy.. leaving everything you ever loved to die. His faithful servants, his fiance, his lifestyle, all dragged away by passing time. But in the end, is he really alone?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I first started writing this a year ago, when I didn't write roleplays everyday. So, the second chapter was written a few days ago, when The prologue and the first chapter were written in 2014. So, if the writing seems different, that's why.  
> If people like it, I will start a schedule for the next chapter, depending on my schedule. I have dance practice on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, so I might just update every Saturday. Though, some other things might be happening that could (could) mess with that. We'll just have to see how it all goes. From now on, I will update every Saturday.

It has been a while since I've felt this. I do not know exactly how long, but I know it has been a while. Ever since my parents died, I have felt nothing; Nothing but anger. Anger at the people who killed my parents. Anger at the men that hurt me. Anger at my parents for leaving me. But mostly, I was angry at myself. Because no matter how hard I try, I will always be just a kid. Nobody will ever take me seriously. Nobody will look up to me. Nobody will ever count on me because I am, and forever will be, a child. Now all I feel is hopelessness. I don't know what to do. I can not ask for help. Who would ever believe me? They would throw me in an asylum, calling me crazy. Calling me a sociopath. They would say I was traumatized, my parents deaths causing me to become insane, but no, I am not crazy. I am not insane. I am just cursed. Cursed to wander the earth for all eternity, watching the world waste away. Cursed to watch my friends, one by one, disappear, their bodies six feet underground. Cursed in this body, this child body, that will never change. I will never grow. I will never love. I will never die.

I am Ciel Phantomhive, and I am a demon.


	2. My Existence, I hate it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short little chapter that sets Ciel's relationship with Sebastian.

I heaved an exasperated sigh, purposely dropping the teacup I was currently holding, its beautiful porcelain pieces spreading themselves across the recently cleaned floor. The tea slowly began to spread, coating the floor with its red color. I eyed the demon butler, who was standing on the opposing side of the room. He never showed any emotion, I hate it. I hate how I can never tell what he is thinking, what he is feeling. I hate it so, so much.

"Sebastian," I started. "Clean this right away. The floor is going to get sticky." I glared at the raven demon as he slowly bowed, showing no expression, and began to walk towards the mess I made.

"Yes, my lord." He answered simply. He always said that. Even after so long, he always acted so, blank. Blank expression, blank everything. I hate it, I hate how I can never tell what he's really thinking.

It has been 50 years since I have become a demon. The world is quickly changing, technology is advancing, but not me. I am still that thirteen year old boy that I was 50 years ago. Sebastian and I now live in the United States, after leaving London years ago. I live in a nice quiet manor, not as big as the one in London, but big enough to feel like a home. Sebastian wanted to make the decor identical to the manor in London, but I simply refused. I escaped that place for a reason. I left it all behind for a reason. I do not want to live with the memory of my parents anymore. I just want to start anew, start a new life with Sebastian at my side. I want him to be by my side forever, but I ask myself sometimes if he would want the same.

"Sebastian," I speak softly, not wanting to ruin this. I want a real answer, the truth. "How do you feel about being my butler forever?" the butler looked up at me, stopping his work and staring at me slightly confused. He smiled slightly, looking down and continuing to make me tea.

"I am your servant for all eternity, there is nothing I can do." I but my lip in anger. He always does this! He always ignores my questions. I hate it, I hate it so much. I hate everything he does, but I could never hate him. I feel.. something, something I can not explain. And I hate it, because even if I do speak up about my feelings, my strange feeling, I know he would never return them. I hate this, I hate it all, I hate myself, but mostly, I hate my never-ending, immortal life. God, why am I such a kid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is when the story begins to roll   
> I'm sorry if this sucks..


	3. Emotionless Butler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian interrupts Ciel when he is having deep thoughts, gets a small tantrum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter a few days ago, now I'm starting to feel a bit insecure about it. I hope you guys like it. It is a long one, much longer than previous chapters, and I do hope to keep it that way.  
> Anyway, enjoy!

The days always pass slower when I realize that I will live forever. It always bothers me, the fact that one day, everything surrounding me will be gone, yet I will still remain. My body will remain the same, a small and delicate body, a body that everyone will always look down upon. I hate to repeat this to myself, and to the people reading this as well, but I am and always will be a cursed soulless demon in this disgustingly small body. I have grown to deeply detest my body over the past fifty years. I simply can not stand it. Wherever I go, no matter who I talk to, they always try to brush me off as if I'm some useless and naive child. Sometimes, and this is what really messes with me, they even ruffle my hair, try to feed me sweets and send me off. It angers me very much, and I express it, yet they just laugh. All they do is laugh. I am just a stupid child.  
\--  
I had the window open in my bedroom, a calm and cool breeze interrupting my thoughts. I sighed softly, pushing myself out of bed and walking over to the window. I leaned against the frame, resting my chin on the palm of my hand as I stared outside. My new home was surrounded by many trees, fully grown trees. I will out-live these trees. That thought dawned on me years before. I always do this, watch them age before I go to bed. It used to cause a negative reaction, now it is almost comforting. I will out-live all of these trees, I will out-live all of the birds and bugs and many other types of creatures. I will out-live every human on this earth, every single one. Everything will die, everything will rot away and I will be left. I will be alone.  
There was a knock on my door. I knew it was Sebastian, I recognized his scent immediately.

"Come in." I called out, my tone of voice sounding clearly annoyed. After what Sebastian had said the other day, I had decided to stop talking to him. Sure, the entire act was as immature as it gets, but I simply could not stand the fact that Sebastian acted as if it was terrible to be my servant forever. I mean, okay, being someone's servant for all eternity sounds awful, but it should not be as bad. I am not as bratty as I used to be, I no longer cause him a great deal of trouble. What is the matter? Am I boring him?

"My lord, you are up late once more?" Sebastian asked, opening the door enough to let himself in before closing it. He walked towards me, stopping right besides me. I decided not to answer him. He was just trying to get a conversation out of me. I would not let him catch me that easily. Besides, he knew I always did this. I have been staying up later to gaze at the trees for months now, he should know that it is part of my schedule now. I could see the trees very clearly, my demon vision allowing me to look out into the night sky and see every little detail. I stared at one of the tress' branches as they shook in the wind.

"Say, Sebastian, am I a bore to you?" I asked, finally giving in and speaking to him, yet I did not bother enough to turn around. I heard a slight shuffle behind me, but no I wouldn't turn around, not yet.

"Whatever do you mean, young lord?" he wonders, but I know that he knows what I mean. I turn around, my hands bunched up into fists as I confronted him.

"Why do you act like you detest me, like you would rather have your everlasting life taken from you gruesomely and painfully instead of spending another second with me?!" I lashed out, my face burning in pure anger. I felt his body tense in surprise, but quickly relax. He wore no expression on his face, like always; he always lacked emotion. I stood there, my breathing becoming ragged as I tried to hold my anger in. I could no longer do it. I could no longer hide this. Why did he always dodge my questions?

"My lord, I do advise you to rest. I wouldn't want you to catch something."

"Stop talking, stop talking! All you do, all you ever do is avoid my god damned questions! Why are you not able to tell me up front, why are you not able to tell me how much I disgust you!?" I swung out at him, yet I missed. My anger had thrown off my aim. He simply moved closer to me, grabbing my hands and unclenching them for me. Tears began to well up in my eyes as I watched him, as I looked up at his face.

"Just tell me! Is it because I look like a child? I am not a child! I have been alive for 63 years, Sebastian!" I screamed out at him, watching him pick me up and walk towards my bed. I did not swing at him, the anger had turned into sadness. Instead, I sobbed as quietly as I could. I should not be crying. He set me down, kneeling down in front of me. I was force to look at his face, his emotionless face. His gloved hand reached out towards me, wiping away my tears. I saw him frown as he did so. Finally, he had reacted to something.

"Rest now, my lord. Tomorrow, you and I will take a trip somewhere. After that, I will answer all of your questions." He spoke softly, his face serious as he continued to wipe away my tears. I nodded slowly, what else could I do? I wanted the answers now, yes, and I surely did not understand why we had to take a trip somewhere in order for him to answer my simple questions but I took it. I just wanted to know, and if a trip is all it took, then I would take that trip.

"Very well.." I mumbled, laying down and resting my head on my pillow, pulling my silken sheets over my head. My eyes were still open, so I saw him reach over to me and grab the sheets, pulling them down in order to keep my head uncovered. I tried my best not to pout, not wanting him to make some remark about how I still acted like a little child. I did not want to be made fun of right now. Instead, I turned my back to him, shutting my eyes as if I was getting ready to sleep.

"You may leave now." I said sternly, not bothering to turn around. I heard him standing up, a light grunt leaving his mouth as he did so.

"Yes, my lord. May you rest well." He said before turning around and walking out of the room, the only sound was the door as it announced his exit. 

I let out a sigh, waiting a few moments before sitting up on my bed. Again, I waited a few moments in total silence, the only sound was of the gentle breeze that let itself in through my window. I slowly got out of bed, walking back to the window as carefully as I could. Sebastian always interrupted me while I did this. Why did he do it, when it was the one thing that I truly enjoyed? I leaned against the window's frame once more, my chin resting on the palm of my hand. I gaze out, welcoming the breeze as it gently caressed my face. I closed my eyes, breathing in the scent of the leaves of the trees, and the cool air of the night sky. I did not sleep. I did not need to. I am no longer human. I do not need to sleep, or eat, or work. I do not need to laugh, or cry, or show any emotion at all. I am just on this earth to exist. I am not anything, just a useless demon; for useful demons do not feel. Useful demons do not cry, or show any emotion. Useful demons do not love.  
But why do I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, if you can, leave some reviews. They really motivate me to write more. I like to know what the reader thinks about the story. Where do you think Sebastian is taking Ciel, and what do you think will happen?  
> huehuehue (•̀⌄•́)

**Author's Note:**

> Short prologue, yes. I wasn't very good with writing excessively a year ago  
> I do have a tumblr, it's mollis-mauris.tumblr.com


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